I Feel Your Champagne

``Hey, the expiry date on this champagne
is December 30th 2012.``

The Bettor Way.

The T.T.C. wants to improve
customer service.
Seems to be working.
I was riding a streetcar
the other day and the driver
gave up his seat to a little old lady.

Double-Double Take.

A Spy In A Tim Hortons:
A Double-Double Agent.

Yule do for now.

Santa at the psychiatrist's.
Santa says:  "I give and I give
and what do I get in return?"
"Milk and cookies."
A king awakes to find
all kinds of peasants under
the xmas tree.

Cologne Again Naturally.

Eau de Humanity.
Eau Say Can You See.
Eau Brother.
Eau Oh.
Eau Please.
Eau No.

Torontocentric Jazz Jokes

1:  Get Me To Church On Time.
2:  Come Park N Fly With Me.
3:  A Nightingale Sang In Yonge and Dundas Square.

Jack Of All Tirades. Master Of Pun.

Overheard on a movie set:  "I do my own stunts."
"Yeah, well I do my own production assisting."

Heir Turning Grey.

A clown decides to retire and hand
over the business to his son.
His son says;  "I don't know, Dad."
"Those are very big shoes to fill."

Back To Yule Specials

Spa Humbug.

Chrome Wasn't Gilt In A Day.

Advertising slogan for a hotel
in Italy:  "Rome With A View."

Got My Dojo Working.

Gulliver's T-Shirt Slogan:
"I'm Big In Lilliput."

12 Steppe Program.

Overheard while preparing for a
party in Nova Scotia:
"Keep the kids out of the mix."

Talc Is Cheap

Overheard on Death Row:
The Commute Is Killing Me.

Yule Be Sorry.

If it weren't for coffee tables,
would we ever bark our shins?

Bench Marx.

With the park bench gone,
the "rest" is history.

Sucker Airborne Every Minute.

Overheard in a Daycare:
"They cried when I sat
down at the piano, but
when I started to play..."

Lists Tick Me Off.

Overheard in a bank:
"Money doesn't grow on trees."
"Especially this Branch."

Count Me Inn

Dracula is at a job interview.
The interviewer asks him;
"Where do you not see yourself
in five years?"

I'm With Cupid.

A Mom says to her son;
"Do you always have to hide
the landline phone when your
friends come over?"

Apocalypse Wow.

Overheard at a Lost and Found department:
"Could you describe your black umbrella?"

Some Kind Of Punderful.

Shouthouse?
Cryptonite?

The Tortoise And The O'Hare

I Shod The Sheriff,
But I Did Not Boot
The Deputy.

The Bitter Way

The Toronto transit authority is striving
to improve customer service.
The other day, saw the streetcar driver give up his
seat to a little old lady.

Special Delivery.

When I was born, the doctor slapped
my face.  Then he gave me a cigar.

Nepotism is relative.

Phoned Workaholics Anonymous.
The line was very busy.

A Ticket To Writhe

On a streetcar.
Woman behind me on her cellphone.
Trying to give her Dad directions to
where to meet her.  Droning on
and on.  Guy in front of me
says:  "Two words;  Google Maps."

Coward Johnson's

Chicken Out Time 11a.m.
Stay with us and we'll throw
in the towel.

GPS I Love You

Walking down Elm street.
Police car parked off to one side.
Car pulls up across from police car,
Female driver asks officer;  "Where's
Elm street?"  Cop points to the road.
"Right here."  Woman says;  "Wanna
buy a lousy GPS?"  Another Toronto
moment.

Flatbed and Breakfast.

Bed and Brunch.  We like to sleep in.

Exlax. Priced To Move.

We used to get carded.
Now we just shuffle.

One Of The Guise.

I don't want to be in a higher income bracket.
I want to be in a higher income, period.

Ecstatic Electricity.

Outstanding Room Only.

Grow Opera

Refer Madness.

The Blight At The End Of The Tunnel.

Got the award for Masochist Of The Year.
Had to pinch myself hard and repeatedly
to make sure I wasn't just dreaming.

Time To Call It Quiz

Nervous Coif?  Nervous Quaff?

Please Bare With Us.

"What's that noise from next door?"

"It's the playoffs."

"You didn't tell me the Kaplans moved."

Closing time at the weight room: Stop The Press.

Brought my Dalmatian to the weight room

to spot me.

Giving up borrowing for Lent

Talking 'bout "Y" Generation.

Lord, it's hard to be crumble when you're parfait in every way.

"Hey, who put my homework in the cookie jar?"

Writhing Off Into The Sunset.

Oliver Twist at a travel agency.

"Please. sir. Can I have Samoa?"

The Reactor's Nightmare.

If I hate myself, does that

mean I'm prejudiced?

I Really Don't Know Love et al.

They call it Falling In Love

because there's usually a catch.